rabbit hole

“Absence is such a large house

that you’ll walk through the walls,

hang pictures in sheer air.”

                  -- Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XCIV

 So down the rabbit hole I went falling, expecting a wonderland and coming up lonely. I exiled myself for four days, didn’t change clothes, didn’t bathe, painted and wrote until my hands were trembling and my mind rebuilt the house of my dreams. I hunted music, danced with the hard wood floors, ate heart soup and learned that I irrevocably need you. You being someone I have never met, or someone I have but can’t spend every moment with, or someone I lost. You are everyone and no one and in the lank of the night my soul cried out your unknown name.

I couldn’t be alone for so long. I failed at this experiment. I had two visitors; I went out. Both my visitors have the unenviable job of holding my leash when I’m rabid. I can’t lie to them, and so when they are near I can’t lie to myself; they took my jaws and wiped away the spittle, held me down on the bed and marked me “abrasive” and “gentle.” She said, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” And now the tears are close to my eyelids, the terrifying need for … attention.

I want you with me so I know I exist. This is not flattering, I’m not proud; this is a simple truth. I went about arrogantly believing that I could be alone, that the only thing in my world was my paintings and my poetry. That idea was a crutch that let me believe I owned the world and myself and that I could do it all on my own. I believe in the power of myself, and it exists. I adore the void, chase it and cling to it like a life raft. And none of that self-sufficiency is enough. It was another illusion that kept me sleeping well at night.

Playlist

Katherine Kiss Me                   Franz Ferdinand

Sigh No More                          Mumford and Sons

These Arms of Mine               Otis Redding

Ulysses                                    Franz Ferdinand

Bloodletting                            Concrete Blonde

Fight Test                                Flaming Lips

Missing                                    Beck

Porcelain                                 Moby

The Man’s Too Strong             Dire Straits

All Your Way                           Morphine

Do You Realize??                    Flaming Lips

Needing/Getting                     Ok Go

Lake of Fire                             Nirvana

Landslide                                 Fleetwood Mac

Imagine                                   A Perfect Circle

Swim Until You Can’t See Land           Frightened Rabbit

Bowl of Oranges                     Bright Eyes

Good Day                                The Dresden Dolls

Land Locked Blues                  Bright Eyes