Life Advice
First and most important
USE BIRTH CONTROL
nothing fucks up 18-24 years
of parties, art and beer
like a little hip-clinging rodent
gnawing away at all your corners
because it needs
EVERY
LAST IOTA
of
your attention, else
the filthy, pant-shitting hanger on
will make you wipe its ass
the drool from its gurgling mouth
FOREVER
it won’t puke in the toilet
it will rub Vaseline all over
your
record collection
break eggs on the kitchen floor
lock the babysitter in the closet
pee right in your face
more
than once
unless
you become a real
HEADKICK
FASCIST
I mean, really, those little leaches
don’t know shit when they are born
and if you want to raise
the
cooing demon
well enough to not get stabbed
to death in a barfight
you have to disown your feel-good
“ISN’T IT CUTE”
Pavlovian drooling
and put on some third Reich boots
goose-step on its pouty face
collect its tears for making gas
buy pepper spray
and USE IT!
You’re going to have to build
railroads
to Siberia and send that
barnacle germ fucking kid
to
the gulag.
That idiot parasite
MUST
BE BENT TO YOUR WILL
and you have to be ready
to “make the trains run on time”
you will embarrass yourself
in malls, at restaurants,
IN
PUBLIC
by screaming
DON’T talk with your
mouth full
DON’T interrupt
STOP eating worms
STOP hitting your grandma
You will not recognize yourself
you will grow a Hitler moustache
you will perform gross medical
experiments
BLOW
YOUR NOSE
DO
YOUR CHORES
SHUT
THE FUCK UP
and it will be good
because it must actually believe
that you will
KILL it
OR IT WILL LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER!
And if you don’t become Mussolini
if you get all soft on it
give it its darling way
RESPECT
IT
you might become one of THOSE
those
horrifying mutants
with endless wallet photos
and stories about choir shows
sports
events and teeth cleanings.
Don’t make us suffer you
because you can’t think of anything
better
to do with your life
USE BIRTH CONTROL
snip your shit
pop that pill
end the plague of pussy fruit
polluting the world
and our souls
(maybe start fixing
yourself)
and that’s
all
the advice
I got
for you.
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